Pronouns

Many years ago when Wes started ABA therapy one of his goals was to learn pronouns and prepositions. I thought this was fine, even useful for a four year old to understand what it means to have something on, under, or next to something else. Equally I thought it was useful to understand what was meant by he, she, him, her, etc. Fast forward a few years, and I can say without much doubt that Wes understands on, under, and next to, but he still can’t always use them properly when trying to describe where objects are. Likewise, I think he understands the concepts of -he verses she- in our general cultural context, but he rarely gets those right either. We used to spend a lot of effort correcting him every time he misgendered people, but recently, say the last two to three years, I no longer see the point.

Liv helped me see that pronouns have meaning, even if I used them as just words. I think there are many words in our language that if thought of in this way, we might stop using. My Pronouns is a link to another website that has a really good explanation about why it matters that we use more care when addressing people with pronouns. I have become pretty good at using they/them when referring to people whose preferred pronoun is unknown to me.

I am very fortunate to work at a company that values these types of conversations, and gives me a lot of practice outside of my home too. As a parent, my gender non binary or transgender child gives me plenty of worry, especially with a shifting political environment that is prone to injustice and inequality, but it also gives me a lot of perspective. I am forced to look at our world through the lens of this child and their challenges. Maybe we could all spend a bit more time doing that.

My America

I just finished reading a book called “Caste” by Isabel Wilkerson. It is one of many attempts I have made in the last two months to be more informed about the race climate in America. I read this book via audiobook and can say that it was one of the most difficult books I have ever listened to. Retold depictions of things that white Americans have done to people of varying skin colors merely because of their skin color… well it seems to me that just knowing that these things happened wasn’t - isn’t- enough. I think we need to hear it. As the events of the past two months have played out, I have become more aware of the prejudices of people whom I know to be “good” people and whom I love. I have never been good at conflict, but I don’t want to be that complicit silent white woman either. I have struggled with what I can and should do to be part of the solution. There is no place for Caste in this world. I grew up, rather naively, believing that theAmerican civil war, World War II, and the American Civil Rights movement were large enough lessons to remind us how wrong these ideals are. The 2016 election stunned me into a consciousness were many people I was close to harbored feelings and beliefs of caste superiority. My awareness has grown since that time, and has been amplified this summer.

I won’t claim that I have figured any of this out. I certainly haven’t. But, I am making a concerted effort. I listened to the book in the car when I took Taylor and Liv shopping for swimwear. Liv came home and read it in its entirety. Liv said, “Yes, some of it was so horrible to hear, but it’s just so important.” My 15 year old, I must be doing something right. We have family discussion about discrimination, prejudice, privilege, poverty, and the like. This didn’t just start two months ago either. A few years ago Ava brought an entire homeless family home and offered them to live in Liv’s room. No, it wasn’t okay, but the point is at 8 or 9 years old, Ava recognized a problem and wanted to be part of a solution. I want my family to be problem solvers and fight in the right side of injustice.

We are a family of privilege, but I’m not so arrogant as to believe that our fortune cannot change. My autistic boys, as young men, will face their own injustice. I can only hope that I have done enough to create an infrastructure of protection around them. I can only hope that they don’t unknowingly step out of line in the wrong place as the wrong time. My trans son will face injustice. I feel like Portland, and especially those we have befriended here, have built a cocoon of safety and comfort for him. The world, I fear, is largely too self entitled realize that his gender identity isn’t about them. Consequently though, they make the world a hazard for him and those like him. Sadly, a caste doesn’t only imply racial discrimination.

How are you becoming informed? What are you doing to effect change?

Please vote in November, please consider the values of those you vote for. What kind of future are you setting up for your children, my children, and the children of all shades of melanin?